And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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