I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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