How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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