if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize