i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
