I CAN MOONWALK!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
