do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
