We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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