And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
