Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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