my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
