my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
