i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
