I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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