I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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