I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
