Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
