Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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