Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
