so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
