I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
