I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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