there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
