apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
