You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
