Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
