I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
