I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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