Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
