When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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