I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
