I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
