Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
