Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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