Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
