If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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