I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
