I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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