So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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