pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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