So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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