all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
