I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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