Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
