Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
