i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this just has baby written all over it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
