Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
