i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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