So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
