Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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