Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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