my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
