just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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