Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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