he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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