just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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