I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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