I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
